The Shitty Gender Issue

Who doesn’t love a dramatic gender reveal?  Oh, I know the answer to this question!  Most everyone.  Of course, the parents kinda care and maybe grandparents kinda care but the “woo” factor lasts about 37 seconds.  The extended family has the “woo” factor for about 20 seconds.  The rest of the world has it for about as long as it takes to type “Congrats!!” on Facebook.  Then the world goes back to business as usual not giving a shit about the gender of your baby.

Maybe if a parent has a string of one gender, there might be a little more suspense in the gender reveal but let’s be honest.  While most normal people would want you to finally get your chance at parenting the opposite gender, I just want you to be happy you have a effing baby growing in your uterus.  For that reason, I secretly stalk Facebook wishing and hoping for another of the same gender.  Because, you are effing pregnant.

The only think that I loath more than a dramatic gender reveal is the people who find out the gender and then hold it over the heads of the few people that do give a shit.  The people that don’t give a shit just get further annoyed that you think people do give a shit.  They don’t.  Nobody gives a shit.

So are you having a boy?  Congrats!!  I don’t give a shit.
A girl?  Congrats!!  I don’t give a shit.

If there was a gender reveal where the cupcake was filled with shit?  I’d watch that!  That would be funny shit.  Or pop a balloon and shit falls out?!  Oh my goodness!  More funny shit!  That would be a gender reveal party I could give a shit about attending.  If you think people beyond your parents, children, and husband really care about if your baby has a penis or a vagina, you are full of shit.

That is all, Folks.

Liar Liar

Most people who are dealing with infertility find endless comfort and support from the Infertility and Miscarriage support community.  We have been there.  We know the pain, the anxiety, the frustrations that encompass trying to conceive when it isn’t as simple as it appears to be for every other female creature in the world.  But… isn’t there always a but…

Please consider this a public service announcement…  There be some crazy bitchez out there. 

I don’t mean they are a little weird and freak out if any saliva touches either of the baby making parts prior to doing the deed.  I don’t even mean the people that are so addicted to pee sticks that they go through a lot of 25 tests in one cycle.  I am talking about the ladies that just make shit up.  I don’t care so much if a blogger says that she is an accountant when she is really a private school teacher.  I am also okay with fake names and even embellishing a story a little to make a simple baseline ultrasound a little more entertaining.

Where I do have a problem is when a women who was baking chicken breasts with a side of creamed corn according to facebook, tells you that they were hospitalized for a concussion after narrowly escaping a raging house fire by diving out of a 4 story building and rescuing 3 small children on their way down.  Then, when she is about to be discharged she learns that she is surprise pregnant (which is a little better than just regular pregnant because there is just so much shock and awe involved) complete with photos of pregnancy tests from someone else’s blog (the first photo on google images for test progression pics).  Then, after several weeks of “strict bed rest” which, according to facebook, involves cooking birthday dinners, celebratory drinks, and maybe a quick 5K on Sunday as part of a weight loss plan, she goes completely quiet.  The kind of quiet that is super silent.  So silent that it is screaming, “SOMEONE PLEASE ASK FOR AN UPDATE!”
It is bad news.  But it is okay.  She is already planning to rescue some adorable puppies who, with a little bit of extra puppy school, will deliver her quadruplets and serve as lactation consultants!

But seriously folks… these people are out there.  If you come across one and aren’t sure quite how to let them know that you know that they are completely full of shit, feel free to use this:

Surviving Christmas

Ah yes.  It is that time of year again.  Newborn photos adorned with Santa hats, new pregnancies announced via wrapped up pee sticks, and guessing games of who’s not drinking at the office Christmas party this year.  So, now is the time to prepare yourself for the awkward inquiries regarding your non-pregnant status.  Here are just a few of my favorite responses to the dreaded question….

When are you going to have a(nother) baby?!

The Honest Company: Did you know that a pregnancy starts at the first day of your period and is about 40 weeks long from that date?  By the time most women are due for their period they are already 4 weeks pregnant!  I am 4 weeks pregnant every single month!  I just wonder why no one throws me a shower…

Please Pass The Stuffing:  If you ask me that question one more time I promise you that I will stuff my my sub fertile fist into your freakishly fertile uterus in an attempt to do an at home uterine transplant.  Merry Christmas!  I hope you enjoy that coffee mug full of red and green MnMs!

Whose the Bitch Now?: I’ve considered a(nother) baby but then I see people who look all fat and saggy and I am just undecided on the whole pregnancy thing.  You don’t seem to be bothered by it though….  Hmmm…

Turn Down the Holiday Cheer: I’m sorry.  What?  I heard the first part of your question but the end got drowned by the sobbing of my infertility support group.

Beat ’em to the Punch:  I’d like to propose a toast!  Last year at this time I was bombarded with questions about when we were going to have a(nother) baby.  This year, on this cold December evening, I’d like to share with all of our family and friends who were able to gather here tonight, the rest will find out soon via Facebook, that we have some news.  *dramatic pause with deep breath*  We saved hundreds of dollars by switching to Geico.  Haha!!  No seriously!  We are still infertile.

Table Talk:  Okay… so I have this turkey that has some special medical conditions.  We pay tons of money to a farmer to treat the bird, watch it for signs of readiness to bake, and then at the farmers go ahead, we take that bird home and bake the heck out of it!  First, my husband shoves his most excellent stuffing recipe into my bird.  After propping the turkey legs at an angle, we loosely cover my turkey and let all of the juices mingle and mix in there.  We sometimes turn the bird upside down to make sure that the stuffing gets into all the right places.  Then, after a long baking period, we take the bird out of the oven while trying our best not to let any of the succulent stuffing fall out. We have been doing this for months and months!  Who’s hungry!?

Do you have any suggestions on how to answer this super fun question?

PSA: 3D Ultrasounds are Creepy

If there is one thing I can’t stand about facebook and the baby havin’ folks, it is the 3D ultrasound pictures.  Do you have one?  Have you ever posted one?  Ever seen one?  Go find it now and then come back. 

Isn’t that the creepiest shit you’ve ever seen.  Never mind it is your own baby, your niece or nephew, or your formerly infertile BFF, that is the kind of crap that nightmares are made of!  Then, as if flashing that crap in your newsfeed isn’t bad enough, then people go and make those panic provoking little pics their profile picture. 

If I had more followers I would totally start a movement to rid facebook of those squished up womb-dwelling 3D trolls.  This is what I would propose… Everytime someone posts a 3D ultrasound photo as their profile picture, we would post our own “3D ultrasound profile pictures.”  Leave yours up until the offender changes their profile picture back to something tolerable.

Here is mine:

You can’t tell me that this wouldn’t send a pretty clear message to cease and desist. Am I right?

Okay… want to make your own?  This is what I did:

I took a piece of glass (or hard plastic would work) and squished my face onto it to simulate the jacked up baby mugs pushed against the womb. I snapped one freakish looking selfie.  I uploaded it to my fave photo editor picmonkey and cropped, made it B&W, added some grittiness, made the edges nice and dark, and giggled and cringed the whole time because, seriously, I’m no supermodel but that shit is jacked-up and scary as hell. 

Who’s with me?!?!

If you make a 3D ultrasound profile picture of yourself, please, please, please share it with me via email (with permission to share it or not), post a link to it (with a link back to this post please), or just tell me that you love 3D ulrtasound pictures so much that you pin them to teddybears and cuddle them at night(<—weirdo). 

Mixing Up The Missionary Position

Everyone who has done any research on the matter of best sexual position for getting pregnant knows that the missionary position is the preferred posture for getting the sperm closest to the cervix.  It also shouldn’t come as any surprise but the missionary position is also about the most monotonous means for making a baby.  If you are ready to put a fun twist into the baby making, try one of these missionary mix-ups for real TTCers.

1. The Smiley Face– We all know how excited we get when we see a smiley face on an ovulation test, right?  Lets take that happy face into the bedroom.  While in the missionary position begin lovemaking.  As things get heated up try to maintain a big, cheesy grin for the remainder or the session.  If it helps you remember, feel free to use your hands to frame your face.
Caution: Do not begin the Smiley Face too early in the lovemaking session or you run the risk of giggles and/or the inability to complete the passionate act. 

2. The Crestfallen Coitus- Feeling like it is never going to happen for you?  Time to turn that frown into to fancy fornication!  As you start to enjoy the lovemaking, place the back of your hand on your forehead.  As you lay there think about how many times it hasn’t worked before.  As you start to whine and moan, allow it to slowly morph into enjoyable sounds.
Caution: As you let the whining and moaning escape your lips, be careful not to use the words “why me” as it has been proven that most men do not find this to be a turn on. 

3. The Sexy Sandwich– This position is really for those with an already polished missionary position.  Why just try to make a baby when you can successfully make a sandwich at the same time?  Carefully lay out the items desired on the side of your dominant hand.  Carefully stack the sandwich fix-ins so as to not leave bread crumbs or condiments on your partner’s side of the bed.  Just for fun you can try to time the placement of the top slice of bread with your orgasm.  Now, as you lay there for 20 minutes with your hips in the air, you can have yourself a tasty turkey on rye!
Caution: Do not attempt to make any “salad” sandwiches (i.e. tuna, chicken, or egg) as stirring mayo during lovemaking may decrease libido in both men and women. 

4. The Perfunctory Patriot- When trying to conceive for a long time, “quickies” tend to become a standard.  Rather than just laying there and letting him race to the finish, while in the missionary position, look deep into each other’s eyes as you speak together the Preamble to the Constitution.  Orgasm on “America.”  And Go!

5. Pivot Me Preggo– Time to get crazy?  Ready for something new and different?  Very carefully lift both participant’s pillows and very gently place them on the foot of the bed.  Place your head on the pillows and begin lovemaking.  This position will feel very similar to the missionary position you are familiar with, but this time, the view!  Totally different!  Sort of.
Caution: If you are subject to motion sickness please turn yourself extremely slowly. 

6. T-Rex Tango– This one may take a bit of practice but it is worth every minute.  Tuck your right thumb into your right arm pit and your left thumb into your left arm pit.  Proceed to make love without removing your thumbs. Use only your elbows for any sensual touching.  This is best if both parties are prehistoric.
Caution: Do not pair this with the Sexy Sandwich.

7. All You Can Eat Boffet– This one can get a little messy but doesn’t it always when you involve food with lovemaking?  Before retiring to the bedroom you need to raid the refrigerator.  Take whatever items you find particularly interesting with you and assume the regular position.  Don your favorite blindfold, and carefully place your first item on your tummy.  As your partner assumed his position, he can take guesses at what he is feeling between your steamy torsos.  Too easy?  Try two items at a time like nachos and cheese!  Maybe liver and onions!
Caution: In most cases, off limits items are hot dogs and cucumbers. 

8. The Hunny-Do-Me List– There are never enough hours in the day are there?  This is an excellent way to multi-task while spicing up your typical missionary position.  Take turns asking one another if they did an item that was on their honey-do list.  If they did have the opportunity to take care of that item, the honey responds with “Oh, yeah!” while simultaneously throwing their arms up over their head.  If the task was not completed, the response is, “No!  Not yet!” while grabbing their partners hips firmly.  It is advised to start with the easiest tasks first.

So there you have it folks!  Now get crazy and go catch that egg with your Missionary Mix-up of choice!

10 Ways to Guarantee Pregnancy!

Did you know that you no longer have to rely on chance, odds, timing, and luck to get pregnant? It’s true!  There are 10 ways that you can get pregnant that have been kept secret until now!   Here are 10 things you can do that will guarantee pregnancy… if you can pull them off.  On your next positive ovulation test, pick the method you prefer and enjoy your pregnancy!!

10.  Have sex underwater while maintaining a horizontal position.  The act must be completed while simultaneously singing the National Anthem of the host of the 2014 Winter Olympics… underwater of course.  Unfortunately using any underwater breathing devices will eliminate the guaranteed pregnancy.

9.  Have sex on a full moon, on a waterbed, in a south facing room of a federal prison.

8.  On the third Thursday of any warm month, make love doggie style in your parents bed.  They must be present and audibly critiquing the performance.

7.  While standing on your head, your husband will hold your legs at a 84 degree angle while gently making love to you.  At the moment of climax, a African American Elvis impersonator needs to vigorously stimulate your left nipple.

6. At noon on a Saturday, have sex on a table top of any Olive Garden Restaurant.  Each seat must be adorned with one bread stick and two meatballs with the bread sticks each  pointing due north.

5. Travel to the nearest zoo and while laying on a Strawberry Shortcake blanket, have sex in the direct view of the monkey house while eating steaming hot french onion soup.

4.  After bathing in at least 6 inches of preseed, have sex on a slip and slide in front of a Starbucks at sunrise.

3. Sunbathe nude with your partner sans sunscreen for at least 4 hours while on the top deck of any Caribbean cruise.  Retire to your room and have sex while watching any episode of Hoarders that features a cat person.

2.  While in Cinderella’s Castle in Orlando, make love while watching the animal cruelty commercial with the Sara McLauchlan song on repeat.

1. After dispersing 800 legos (it must be exactly 800) on the floor, have sex missionary style 3 times in a 45 minute period without uttering a single sound.  If any vocalizations are made the count returns to zero and time will start over as well.

There you have it folks!  Enjoy your pregnancies! 
Which method will you be attempting this cycle?