The Shitty Gender Issue

Who doesn’t love a dramatic gender reveal?  Oh, I know the answer to this question!  Most everyone.  Of course, the parents kinda care and maybe grandparents kinda care but the “woo” factor lasts about 37 seconds.  The extended family has the “woo” factor for about 20 seconds.  The rest of the world has it for about as long as it takes to type “Congrats!!” on Facebook.  Then the world goes back to business as usual not giving a shit about the gender of your baby.

Maybe if a parent has a string of one gender, there might be a little more suspense in the gender reveal but let’s be honest.  While most normal people would want you to finally get your chance at parenting the opposite gender, I just want you to be happy you have a effing baby growing in your uterus.  For that reason, I secretly stalk Facebook wishing and hoping for another of the same gender.  Because, you are effing pregnant.

The only think that I loath more than a dramatic gender reveal is the people who find out the gender and then hold it over the heads of the few people that do give a shit.  The people that don’t give a shit just get further annoyed that you think people do give a shit.  They don’t.  Nobody gives a shit.

So are you having a boy?  Congrats!!  I don’t give a shit.
A girl?  Congrats!!  I don’t give a shit.

If there was a gender reveal where the cupcake was filled with shit?  I’d watch that!  That would be funny shit.  Or pop a balloon and shit falls out?!  Oh my goodness!  More funny shit!  That would be a gender reveal party I could give a shit about attending.  If you think people beyond your parents, children, and husband really care about if your baby has a penis or a vagina, you are full of shit.

That is all, Folks.

Liar Liar

Most people who are dealing with infertility find endless comfort and support from the Infertility and Miscarriage support community.  We have been there.  We know the pain, the anxiety, the frustrations that encompass trying to conceive when it isn’t as simple as it appears to be for every other female creature in the world.  But… isn’t there always a but…

Please consider this a public service announcement…  There be some crazy bitchez out there. 

I don’t mean they are a little weird and freak out if any saliva touches either of the baby making parts prior to doing the deed.  I don’t even mean the people that are so addicted to pee sticks that they go through a lot of 25 tests in one cycle.  I am talking about the ladies that just make shit up.  I don’t care so much if a blogger says that she is an accountant when she is really a private school teacher.  I am also okay with fake names and even embellishing a story a little to make a simple baseline ultrasound a little more entertaining.

Where I do have a problem is when a women who was baking chicken breasts with a side of creamed corn according to facebook, tells you that they were hospitalized for a concussion after narrowly escaping a raging house fire by diving out of a 4 story building and rescuing 3 small children on their way down.  Then, when she is about to be discharged she learns that she is surprise pregnant (which is a little better than just regular pregnant because there is just so much shock and awe involved) complete with photos of pregnancy tests from someone else’s blog (the first photo on google images for test progression pics).  Then, after several weeks of “strict bed rest” which, according to facebook, involves cooking birthday dinners, celebratory drinks, and maybe a quick 5K on Sunday as part of a weight loss plan, she goes completely quiet.  The kind of quiet that is super silent.  So silent that it is screaming, “SOMEONE PLEASE ASK FOR AN UPDATE!”
It is bad news.  But it is okay.  She is already planning to rescue some adorable puppies who, with a little bit of extra puppy school, will deliver her quadruplets and serve as lactation consultants!

But seriously folks… these people are out there.  If you come across one and aren’t sure quite how to let them know that you know that they are completely full of shit, feel free to use this:
LiarLiar

Surviving Christmas

Ah yes.  It is that time of year again.  Newborn photos adorned with Santa hats, new pregnancies announced via wrapped up pee sticks, and guessing games of who’s not drinking at the office Christmas party this year.  So, now is the time to prepare yourself for the awkward inquiries regarding your non-pregnant status.  Here are just a few of my favorite responses to the dreaded question….

When are you going to have a(nother) baby?!

The Honest Company: Did you know that a pregnancy starts at the first day of your period and is about 40 weeks long from that date?  By the time most women are due for their period they are already 4 weeks pregnant!  I am 4 weeks pregnant every single month!  I just wonder why no one throws me a shower…

Please Pass The Stuffing:  If you ask me that question one more time I promise you that I will stuff my my sub fertile fist into your freakishly fertile uterus in an attempt to do an at home uterine transplant.  Merry Christmas!  I hope you enjoy that coffee mug full of red and green MnMs!

Whose the Bitch Now?: I’ve considered a(nother) baby but then I see people who look all fat and saggy and I am just undecided on the whole pregnancy thing.  You don’t seem to be bothered by it though….  Hmmm…

Turn Down the Holiday Cheer: I’m sorry.  What?  I heard the first part of your question but the end got drowned by the sobbing of my infertility support group.

Beat ’em to the Punch:  I’d like to propose a toast!  Last year at this time I was bombarded with questions about when we were going to have a(nother) baby.  This year, on this cold December evening, I’d like to share with all of our family and friends who were able to gather here tonight, the rest will find out soon via Facebook, that we have some news.  *dramatic pause with deep breath*  We saved hundreds of dollars by switching to Geico.  Haha!!  No seriously!  We are still infertile.

Table Talk:  Okay… so I have this turkey that has some special medical conditions.  We pay tons of money to a farmer to treat the bird, watch it for signs of readiness to bake, and then at the farmers go ahead, we take that bird home and bake the heck out of it!  First, my husband shoves his most excellent stuffing recipe into my bird.  After propping the turkey legs at an angle, we loosely cover my turkey and let all of the juices mingle and mix in there.  We sometimes turn the bird upside down to make sure that the stuffing gets into all the right places.  Then, after a long baking period, we take the bird out of the oven while trying our best not to let any of the succulent stuffing fall out. We have been doing this for months and months!  Who’s hungry!?

Do you have any suggestions on how to answer this super fun question?

PSA: 3D Ultrasounds are Creepy

If there is one thing I can’t stand about facebook and the baby havin’ folks, it is the 3D ultrasound pictures.  Do you have one?  Have you ever posted one?  Ever seen one?  Go find it now and then come back. 

Isn’t that the creepiest shit you’ve ever seen.  Never mind it is your own baby, your niece or nephew, or your formerly infertile BFF, that is the kind of crap that nightmares are made of!  Then, as if flashing that crap in your newsfeed isn’t bad enough, then people go and make those panic provoking little pics their profile picture. 

If I had more followers I would totally start a movement to rid facebook of those squished up womb-dwelling 3D trolls.  This is what I would propose… Everytime someone posts a 3D ultrasound photo as their profile picture, we would post our own “3D ultrasound profile pictures.”  Leave yours up until the offender changes their profile picture back to something tolerable.

Here is mine:
creepyuspic

You can’t tell me that this wouldn’t send a pretty clear message to cease and desist. Am I right?

Okay… want to make your own?  This is what I did:

I took a piece of glass (or hard plastic would work) and squished my face onto it to simulate the jacked up baby mugs pushed against the womb. I snapped one freakish looking selfie.  I uploaded it to my fave photo editor picmonkey and cropped, made it B&W, added some grittiness, made the edges nice and dark, and giggled and cringed the whole time because, seriously, I’m no supermodel but that shit is jacked-up and scary as hell. 

Who’s with me?!?!

If you make a 3D ultrasound profile picture of yourself, please, please, please share it with me via email (with permission to share it or not), post a link to it (with a link back to this post please), or just tell me that you love 3D ulrtasound pictures so much that you pin them to teddybears and cuddle them at night(<—weirdo).