The Lie about TMI

TMI

If we have seen it once, we have seen it a million times.  “There is no such thing as TMI when it comes to TTC!”  I hate to break it to you folks, but that is a big fat lie.  I have read countless posts on message boards where it is prefaced with the “TMI ahead” warning or the “sorry about the TMI” afterthought which, as a side note, does anyone ever stop reading at a TMI warning?  If anything, it is like we read faster to find out what kind of gross nonsense they are about to share.  But I digress…  There absolutely does exist a threshold of information that once met, is “Too Much.”  So let’s spend a few minutes discussing where that invisible, yet very real line is.

The world of trying to conceive (TTC) is full of discussions on bodily fluids, intercourse, and blood.  These are not exactly topics that one would bring up in mixed company.  Let’s be honest, if we were in the same room with someone, even if they were familiar with infertility and all of the ins and out of hard core TTC, we wouldn’t be like, “This morning, when I wiped, I had gobs and gobs of fertile cervical mucus!”  But, if our exchange is happening online with people that are just like us only with a different vagina, uterus, and hopefully husband, all deals are off.  It is slimy fluid, freaky sex, and blood clots everywhere.

Time to get more specific.  Let me introduce to you a new category of sharing.  It is called Relevant but Gross Information (RGI).

Some examples of RGI include:
Earlier today I had a BM and then when I wiped there was a spot of blood.  Maybe implantation or related to straining?

I thought my cervical fluid had dried up but then today, at what I think is 3 dpo, I had a bunch of mucus that looked fertile.  Did I not ovulate yet?

My husband and I had sex every day for three days but I am kind of sore and would prefer a night off.  I got a positive OPK yesterday.  Do you think our chances are still good for a BFP?

The next level of information sharing is called ERGI (Excessive but Relevant Gross Information).  This is the info that includes details that might be thought to be relevant, but really aren’t.  In an effort to keep this clear cut, I will use the same examples from above, only this time adding in the excessive unneeded information.

Some examples of ERGI include:
Earlier today I had a hard bowel movement and then when I wiped there was a spot of blood along with some poop particles. The blood was deep red and the poop was oddly darker than my usual.  Maybe implantation or related to straining?

I thought my cervical fluid had dried up because I had the crusty stuff in my panties, but then today, at what I think is 3 dpo, I had a bunch of mucus. I rubbed it between my fingers and sniffed it.  It had a bit of an odor to it so maybe it was left over semen?  Did I not ovulate yet?

My husband and I had sex every day for three days (missionary position twice and then a bit more creative the most recent time). I got a positive OPK yesterday but I feel like my cervix is bruised from so much action and really need a break. I hate that we aren’t going to DTD one more time. Do you think our chances are still good for a BFP?

The next level, despite being told it doesn’t exist, is very very real.  TMI (Too Much Information) needs to be avoided.  Here again are the same examples, but this time crossing the line into TMI.

Some examples of TMI include:
Earlier today I had a rock hard bowel movement the width of an arm of an 8 year old boy.  When I wiped, mixed in with the poop there was a blob of blood.  I tried to wipe again with clearly defined boundaries of the vagina and the sphincter to figure out where it came from, but there was no more blood on the paper. I then pushed out a little more poop in an effort to recreate the bleeding, but all that would come out was foul smelling gas.  The blood was deep red and the poop was oddly darker than my usual.  Maybe implantation or related to straining?  Also, are farts that are really smelly (like poop mixed with car exhaust) a pregnancy symptom?

I thought my cervical fluid had dried up because I had the crusty stuff in my panties, but then today, at what I think is 3 dpo, I found a tablespoon or more of  mucus that so closely resembled egg whites that I cracked an egg and felt them both side by side.  I actually think that my CM felt more like egg white than the egg white did.  It had a bit of an odor and my husbands semen smells a little like hard boiled eggs so maybe it was left over semen?  Did I not ovulate yet?

My husband and I had sex daily for 3 days.  The first day I was all about him enjoying it so there was some oral foreplay before we used missionary position.  The second day, was also missionary position but I had to get up immediately afterward and the semen leaked down my legs as soon as I stood up.  I barely made it to the bathroom before it hit my ankles!  Man does he have a lot of fluid!  Ha! Ha! The third day he insisted on having sex in the shower and I know water isn’t good for the swimmers so I made him turn off the water for entry.  Today, I’m in so much pain from the vigorous BDing that I think my vag is swollen and inflamed. I got a positive OPK yesterday. I hate that we aren’t going to be able to DTD one more time. Do you think our chances are still good for a BFP?

 Now, there is yet another category but it is not for the faint of heart.  It is what I like to call the Way Too F*cking Much Info, You Sick Son of a Bitch (WTFMIYSSOB)

Please be forewarned that the examples below are examples of WTFMIYSSOB:
Earlier today I had a rock hard bowel movement the width of the arm of an 8 year old boy.  I grunted and groaned for at least 35 minutes to pass it and when it hit the water it splashed down causing toilet water to drench my ass.  I wiped myself clean and noticed a bit of blood on the toilet paper but I am not sure where it came from.  Maybe implantation or related to straining?  Here is a photo of the toilet paper if that helps. (Photo not shown as your imagination is sufficient in illustrating the point.)

I thought my cervical fluid had dried up because I had the crusty stuff in my panties, but I am just getting over a horrible yeast infection that cause so much awful smelling crusty discharge that my underwear smelled like 7 day old tuna fish in a high school kid’s gym locker.  Today, at what I think is 3 dpo, I had so much egg white mucus that I almost baked a cake with it.  My husband it totally into that.  If you ever want a recipe LMK.  But anyway, did I not ovulate yet?

My husband and I BDed a lot the last 3 days.  At first, I wasn’t really in the mood, but by the end of our three days I was like, “Come on, my bucking bronco!  Give me More!”  But then he did give me more and now I am in pain.   It isn’t so bad that I couldn’t tolerate one more last ditch effort on the baby making, but only if we use a ton of lube and he goes slow.  He is more of a “Fast and Furious” kind of guy so it is going to take a lot of reminders.  We have a code word and I might have to use it tonight.  My OPK was positive yesterday.  Do you think our chances are still good for a BFP?

So the next time someone says, “There is no such thing as TMI when it comes to TTC,” please share this post with them. It is your duty as a TTCer to not let this lie live on.

 

TMI is real!

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9 Effective Exit Strategies for Pregnancy Announcements

It is never easy to prepare for a pregnancy announcement even when you are highly suspicious that it is coming.  It is even harder when you are completely blindsided by the friend that was “totally done” with having babies, an unwed cousin, or a workplace nemesis.  This article will help help you escape from that awful situation so that you can cry in solitude.

First, identify your safe cry place.  Your vehicle is usually a good idea but if that is not a possibility, a bathroom stall is okay if you can wail silently.  Other options might include a psychiatric ward of a hospital, a funeral service, or a feminine product aisle of your neighborhood Walmart.

Then, make a list of trigger words/phrases so that you can react swiftly.  These phrases may include but are not limited to:

I have been dying to tell you…
I have some big news…
I was going to wait until I was further…
You know how I haven’t been feeling well? …

Then if you hear the word(s) pregnancy, baby, due date, surprise, motherhood, or maternity, act fast and implement one of the following methods.

The Arachnid:   Immediately remove your shoe and while running out of the room, scream, “I’m going to get you you 8 legged son of a bitch!”  Retreat to identified safe place.

The Psycho:  Whisper “Can you see them?  Tell them I am not here.  I have to go.  Shhhhhh!  Macadamia nuts.”  Walk quickly to your safe place.

The Hollywood:  In your best Schwarzenegger-ese, say, “I’ll be back.”  Retreat to identified safe place.

The Triathlete:   Drop to the floor and do 3 girly push-ups, flip to your back and do 3 sit ups, then jump up emphatically and sprint out of the room.  Retreat to identified safe place.

call_meThe Interruption: Tell them to hold that thought and while slowly making your exit, answer your phone and say, “Wait!  What?!  I have how many days?  But Doctor!?”  Begin exiting the room during the conversation.  Retreat to identified safe place.  Preferred phone is the finger phone.

The Canine: Throw something as far as you can and exclaim, “Ooooh! I love playing fetch!” Then run after said item, but continue to your safe place.

The Oscar:  Look directly into their eyes and slowly and dramatically begin singing, “My bologna has a first name.  It’s O-S-C-A-R.  My bologna has a second name it’s M-A-Y-E-R.  I love to eat it every day, and if you ask me why I’ll saaaaaaaay, because Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!”  Then tip your hat (real or imaginary -likely imaginary because who wears hats anymore?) and exit using jazz hands.  Retreat to identified safe place.

The Crapper: Simply say, “I can’t believe this!  I just shit my pants.”  Farting upon exit is optional. Retreat to identified safe place.  Ideal if your safe place is a bathroom.

While all of these methods are guaranteed to be effective, there is a small risk of short term disability for psychiatric intervention.  If you were short on sick days for infertility treatments this could work to an additional advantage.  If the pregnant person returns for a second attempt at the announcement, I recommend the fingers in ears accompanied by repeating the phrase, “I can’t hear you,” approach ironically also known as The Baby.

Good luck out there ladies!  If you use any of these exit strategies, I would love to hear your experiences and reviews.