It is never easy to prepare for a pregnancy announcement even when you are highly suspicious that it is coming. It is even harder when you are completely blindsided by the friend that was “totally done” with having babies, an unwed cousin, or a workplace nemesis. This article will help help you escape from that awful situation so that you can cry in solitude.
First, identify your safe cry place. Your vehicle is usually a good idea but if that is not a possibility, a bathroom stall is okay if you can wail silently. Other options might include a psychiatric ward of a hospital, a funeral service, or a feminine product aisle of your neighborhood Walmart.
Then, make a list of trigger words/phrases so that you can react swiftly. These phrases may include but are not limited to:
I have been dying to tell you…
I have some big news…
I was going to wait until I was further…
You know how I haven’t been feeling well? …
Then if you hear the word(s) pregnancy, baby, due date, surprise, motherhood, or maternity, act fast and implement one of the following methods.
The Arachnid: Immediately remove your shoe and while running out of the room, scream, “I’m going to get you you 8 legged son of a bitch!” Retreat to identified safe place.
The Psycho: Whisper “Can you see them? Tell them I am not here. I have to go. Shhhhhh! Macadamia nuts.” Walk quickly to your safe place.
The Hollywood: In your best Schwarzenegger-ese, say, “I’ll be back.” Retreat to identified safe place.
The Triathlete: Drop to the floor and do 3 girly push-ups, flip to your back and do 3 sit ups, then jump up emphatically and sprint out of the room. Retreat to identified safe place.
The Interruption: Tell them to hold that thought and while slowly making your exit, answer your phone and say, “Wait! What?! I have how many days? But Doctor!?” Begin exiting the room during the conversation. Retreat to identified safe place. Preferred phone is the finger phone.
The Canine: Throw something as far as you can and exclaim, “Ooooh! I love playing fetch!” Then run after said item, but continue to your safe place.
The Oscar: Look directly into their eyes and slowly and dramatically begin singing, “My bologna has a first name. It’s O-S-C-A-R. My bologna has a second name it’s M-A-Y-E-R. I love to eat it every day, and if you ask me why I’ll saaaaaaaay, because Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!” Then tip your hat (real or imaginary -likely imaginary because who wears hats anymore?) and exit using jazz hands. Retreat to identified safe place.
The Crapper: Simply say, “I can’t believe this! I just shit my pants.” Farting upon exit is optional. Retreat to identified safe place. Ideal if your safe place is a bathroom.
While all of these methods are guaranteed to be effective, there is a small risk of short term disability for psychiatric intervention. If you were short on sick days for infertility treatments this could work to an additional advantage. If the pregnant person returns for a second attempt at the announcement, I recommend the fingers in ears accompanied by repeating the phrase, “I can’t hear you,” approach ironically also known as The Baby.
Good luck out there ladies! If you use any of these exit strategies, I would love to hear your experiences and reviews.