It is never easy to prepare for a pregnancy announcement even when you are highly suspicious that it is coming. It is even harder when you are completely blindsided by the friend that was “totally done” with having babies, an unwed cousin, or a workplace nemesis. This article will help help you escape from that awful situation so that you can cry in solitude.
First, identify your safe cry place. Your vehicle is usually a good idea but if that is not a possibility, a bathroom stall is okay if you can wail silently. Other options might include a psychiatric ward of a hospital, a funeral service, or a feminine product aisle of your neighborhood Walmart.
Then, make a list of trigger words/phrases so that you can react swiftly. These phrases may include but are not limited to:
I have been dying to tell you…
I have some big news…
I was going to wait until I was further…
You know how I haven’t been feeling well? …
Then if you hear the word(s) pregnancy, baby, due date, surprise, motherhood, or maternity, act fast and implement one of the following methods.
The Arachnid: Immediately remove your shoe and while running out of the room, scream, “I’m going to get you you 8 legged son of a bitch!” Retreat to identified safe place.
The Psycho: Whisper “Can you see them? Tell them I am not here. I have to go. Shhhhhh! Macadamia nuts.” Walk quickly to your safe place.
The Hollywood: In your best Schwarzenegger-ese, say, “I’ll be back.” Retreat to identified safe place.
The Triathlete: Drop to the floor and do 3 girly push-ups, flip to your back and do 3 sit ups, then jump up emphatically and sprint out of the room. Retreat to identified safe place.
The Interruption: Tell them to hold that thought and while slowly making your exit, answer your phone and say, “Wait! What?! I have how many days? But Doctor!?” Begin exiting the room during the conversation. Retreat to identified safe place. Preferred phone is the finger phone.
The Canine: Throw something as far as you can and exclaim, “Ooooh! I love playing fetch!” Then run after said item, but continue to your safe place.
The Oscar: Look directly into their eyes and slowly and dramatically begin singing, “My bologna has a first name. It’s O-S-C-A-R. My bologna has a second name it’s M-A-Y-E-R. I love to eat it every day, and if you ask me why I’ll saaaaaaaay, because Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!” Then tip your hat (real or imaginary -likely imaginary because who wears hats anymore?) and exit using jazz hands. Retreat to identified safe place.
The Crapper: Simply say, “I can’t believe this! I just shit my pants.” Farting upon exit is optional. Retreat to identified safe place. Ideal if your safe place is a bathroom.
While all of these methods are guaranteed to be effective, there is a small risk of short term disability for psychiatric intervention. If you were short on sick days for infertility treatments this could work to an additional advantage. If the pregnant person returns for a second attempt at the announcement, I recommend the fingers in ears accompanied by repeating the phrase, “I can’t hear you,” approach ironically also known as The Baby.
Good luck out there ladies! If you use any of these exit strategies, I would love to hear your experiences and reviews.
Reblogged this on A Game of Diapers and commented:
For anyone out there who is infertile or ttc or just seems to be surrounded by pregnant people this is the post for you. God how I love this blog!
Thanks, Shannon!
Reblogged this on Officially Unpregnant and commented:
Too funny!
Thanks!
Lol! This brought a smile to my face! Thanks!
You are so welcome. Smiling is good. 🙂
OMG this made my night! Thank you!
You’re welcome!
The Oscar just killed me. You are HILARIOUS! Love it.
Thank you. Sometimes my sense of humor is a little demented but I blame that on infertility. 😉
Reblogged this on Awaiting Autumn and commented:
This is HILARIOUS! If only I had the courage to follow through with one of them… Damn Facebook means less prego announcements happen in-person these days. Maybe that’s a good thing?
You could post The Arachnid on facebook… unless she is pregnant with triplets… then not so much.
WOW! I love this and will certainly re-blog if that’s ok. I have considered many of these reactions and have had too many opportunities to use them to count. Might give one a try next time tho, and with my luck there will definitely be a next time probably soon…
Please, oh please, post a review of the exit strategy you use!
You have my word I will post a review as soon as I have recovered in my “safe place”. I wish I had your writing skills! This is truly a well written and articulated post! Brilliant!
Reblogged this on My Dink-ish Life and commented:
If you are searching for coping strategies this is a must read!
Omg thanks for the laugh!
You are welcome!
Ha ha had a good laugh at this!!
Laughter is good for implantation. 😉
Holy cow… this just made my day! We’re one of those couples who haven’t been able to conceive in about five years (though we do have two beautiful babies) and I’m currently surrounded by a slew of pregnant friends. I hate feeling jealous of them. This truly made me laugh. Thanks!
So glad to hear this! Especially from a guy, because my husband only laughed at The Crapper.
I love it. I’m definitely going to try The Psyco and maybe a “La la la, I can’t hear you!”
Please stop back and share how well the techniques work!
Reblogged this on Project Sweet Pea and commented:
This is brilliant!
Thanks, Lisette!
Lol, I loved the 2 first ones! There is a website also, I think it’s 999 reasons to laugh, and it suggests ways to answer the question “and you? when will you start making babies?”. There are some hilarious answers like “I’m waiting for Jen Aniston to have one also, so they can share their birthdate” and other stupid answers 😉
Merci! Je ne parle pas francais non plus mais je ne peut pas resister essayer ce commentaire. A bientot!
bon français!!! Congrats!
Best way to start my day! Thanks!!
Anytime!
Hahaha I’ll have to try these out. It doesn’t have to be just for a pregnancy announcement. If “paying the bills” comes up, these work too.
Ooooh! Good point! The next time someone asks me to volunteer for something I might have to bust one of these out. Probably The Crapper because chances are they won’t make a second request. Who wants someone incontinent fool helping out with anything?
Reblogged this on PCOS & Fighting Back.
Thanks 🙂
Awww. . . thanks for this. It made my day.
You are so welcome. 🙂 Just curious… have you ever tried yelling at the stork? Not like an angry yell or anything but like a talking really loud so an old man with hearing loss can hear you tone of voice?
I really should =) Big mouths usually get what they want.
No, I am thinking of renaming myself Diary of a Social Infertile because it fits me to a tee.
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Oh my gosh. This is kind of AMAZING! I love this haha. Thank you for these! I feel like it is baby/pregnancy announcement season all over again right now and these will come in handy.