The Shitty Gender Issue

Who doesn’t love a dramatic gender reveal?  Oh, I know the answer to this question!  Most everyone.  Of course, the parents kinda care and maybe grandparents kinda care but the “woo” factor lasts about 37 seconds.  The extended family has the “woo” factor for about 20 seconds.  The rest of the world has it for about as long as it takes to type “Congrats!!” on Facebook.  Then the world goes back to business as usual not giving a shit about the gender of your baby.

Maybe if a parent has a string of one gender, there might be a little more suspense in the gender reveal but let’s be honest.  While most normal people would want you to finally get your chance at parenting the opposite gender, I just want you to be happy you have a effing baby growing in your uterus.  For that reason, I secretly stalk Facebook wishing and hoping for another of the same gender.  Because, you are effing pregnant.

The only think that I loath more than a dramatic gender reveal is the people who find out the gender and then hold it over the heads of the few people that do give a shit.  The people that don’t give a shit just get further annoyed that you think people do give a shit.  They don’t.  Nobody gives a shit.

So are you having a boy?  Congrats!!  I don’t give a shit.
A girl?  Congrats!!  I don’t give a shit.

If there was a gender reveal where the cupcake was filled with shit?  I’d watch that!  That would be funny shit.  Or pop a balloon and shit falls out?!  Oh my goodness!  More funny shit!  That would be a gender reveal party I could give a shit about attending.  If you think people beyond your parents, children, and husband really care about if your baby has a penis or a vagina, you are full of shit.

That is all, Folks.

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Some Gross Humor To Brighten Even the Most Depressing of Mother’s Days

I don’t think I ever paid much attention to Maxi Pad commercials because I know what they do, I know what brand I like, and they are usually marketing to pre-teens getting the first “Holy crap!  Now I can make babies!” period.  At least 7 out of 8 of them can.  But I digress…

After watching this video I am never going to be able to look at any advertisement that involves bodily fluids the same.  And now I present If Maxi Pad Ads Used Red Instead of Blue.

Breaking All The Rules

I was nominated by a couple of folks for a Liebster Award.  First let me say how honored I am that so many of you thought of me for this!  I will do my best to answer all of the questions you asked but I am going to do it in one post.

LOVEcomaMOM asked:

1)    Who are you?  I’m just a blogger who had fun blogging as myself for a long time.  I found it to be a wonderful and creative outlet while struggling with infertility.  I decided to go behind the curtain with this blog because I found myself needing to edit myself.  I hated that I would sometimes want to share something, a vent, my feelings, and inevitably someone who read my blog would assume that my post was directed at them.  I didn’t want to write a post about how I felt about pregnant women and then run defense by messaging every pregnant friend who read my blog and explain that the post wasn’t about them.  It really wouldn’t be about any one person ever.  So this blog allows me to be open and honest (and hopefully funny) without worrying that anyone will take it personally.  So that is me.  The Honestly Infertile me.

2)    Why did you start blogging?  A good hard laugh and a good hard cry really look very similar.  Sometimes there are tears, screams, gasping for air.  Infertility can make people so full of sadness and despair.  With just a little twist, that sobbing can become laughter.  I want to be that twist.

3)    How do you really feel about Facebook?  I am a fan.  Where else can I keep up with 250 people I didn’t really like in high school and college?  How else would I know which beach they are sticking their toes in?  How could I sleep at night if I didn’t know what and where people ate dinner?  How else could a scroll past someones 347 photos of their family vacation?

4)    If you were granted 3 wishes, what would they be? To be a size 5.  To have an housekeeper and personal chef. (It can be the same person who cooks and cleans if it means I still get my 3rd wish.) And to the equipment and skills necessary to test my beta hcg at home.

5)    What are your pet peeves? People who don’t drive like me.

6)    What inspires you? My friends and family.

7)    Does God exist?  One teeny sperm and one teeny egg hold all of the genetic material to turn into a brain, a heart, lungs, skin, and everything else that will enable a human being to survive.  I find it impossible to think that this just happened by accident.

8)    Can you cry under water? I am pretty sure that I have never been sad enough to cry while underwater but I am going to guess that someone who has been attacked by a shark has cried underwater so I am going to trust the shark victims.

9)    Where have you traveled to?   This is a tough one.  I have been many places but my favorite is probably Target.  It is about 20 miles from home so I try to remember to pack snacks and to stay hydrated.

10)  What’s your current short term goal? My short term goal would probably be to finish this post before 10:00pm.

11)  What does your life look like 20 years from now?  I used to be a pack a day smoker.  When I quit, I told myself that I didn’t have to quit forever.  When my kids are grown and out of the house I will be able to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette like old times.  So in 20 years, I’ll be in line at the local gas station spending 300 dollars for a carton of Marlboro Lights.

Laughter Through Tears asks:

1) Do you have to be dragged out on the dance floor or are you the one doing the dragging? In my younger days I knew how to get my groove on.  The last time I danced I am pretty sure I integrated “the sprinkler” with “the running man” and if those 22 year olds could pry their hands out of their skinny jeans, they would have been clapping like nobody’s business.

 2) What is one product you have to splurge to buy the name brand and why?  I don’t know why I am so hung up on this one.  I have spend the better part of 10 minutes considering this.  I am going to have to just go with mac and cheese.  My rational is just that the girl in the commercials always said that it should be Kraft Cheese and Macaroni.  She didn’t say that it was supposed to be Elbow Macaroni in Orange Cheesy Sauce.

3) Who is your secret celebrity crush and why?  I am so out of the celeb loop.  Even when I was more in the loop I never knew people’s names.  I had nicknames for everyone.  Like Penis Nose.  He is a funny guy, but I can’t stop staring at the atrocity on his face that seriously looks just like a long skinny penis.  So, not him.

4) What is the most obnoxious fertility related experience you have had? It could be something that happened or something moronic that someone has said to you. I have had my share of these.  How about the time I burst into tears after the RE in the office that day confirmed a miscarriage.  He handed me a tissue, patted me on the shoulder, and told me to follow up with my doctor on Monday, and left the room.  The end. 

5) What extracurricular activities did you participate in when you were in school?  I played a lot of sports. I was really good at none of them. 

6) What is your favorite season and why? Autumn.  There is nothing better that a crisp night, a good fire (preferably contained in a fire pit or wood burning stove) and college football.

7) The secret to a great marriage is… fighting doesn’t have to resemble the fights on TV and movies.  It is perfectly acceptable to disagree and talk things out without yelling and name calling.  That is, unless it is CD 1 then all bets are off.

8) Why did you start your blog?  See #2 of LOVEcomaMOM

 

I was also nominated by Mama at Heart but I couldn’t find the post or questions so here is a shout out to you!

Now Is where I am supposed to share random facts about myself but seeing as how I am anonymous, I would either be giving hints to who I am or I would be making up stuff and since it is 10:03 I am going to just say that I am so happy that I started this blog.  I am going to try to keep the posts coming as I know how much we all need a good laugh.

And finally, I am supposed to nominate others.  I really wish that I could, but I don’t read blogs.  STOP!  WAIT!  Don’t hate me!  I want to, but I know me.  I know I will get involved in your journeys.  I will cry with you.  I will be stalking for updates.  And then, this blog would have to stop.  I can’t be personally involved or I lose the ability to poke fun.  Infertility isn’t fun or funny when you are in the trenches.  So the only way I can be Honestly Infertile is to remain a non human.  I do hope that you all understand.

Again, Thank You for the nominations!  Good luck to you all!

Please Be Infertile: Part One

Do you remember the days when you took every precaution to ensure that you didn’t become pregnant?  You probably, though perfectly educated about how babies were made, wouldn’t dream of standing downwind from a guy who may have ejaculated in the last 3 hours because, though they never flew into anyone else’s vagina, they might just fly into yours and get you pregnant.  If we dared engage in intercourse, it was only done with a minimum of 2 levels of birth control.  Hormonal birth control pills alone was like playing Russian Roulette with parenthood in the the chamber.  If only we knew how hard it was actually going to be to get pregnant.

AM I PREGNANT????? PLEASE ANSWER MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?

am 17. i dryhumped today with my lover. with clothes on. i was wearing tight thick jeans and he was wearing basketball shorts. we did it for like an hour and 45 minutes. both virgins. he was horny.we dryhumped really fastly and we had a good time. he wasn’t wearing underwear, but had shorts on. then he started to finger me like outside of my underwear for like 1 minute. i stopped him. then at last, he unzipped my pants little bit and then he put is bear penis on top of my underwear. he didn’t put it inside because i had my panties and m jeans was little lower, not all the way up to. we kinda rubbed for like 2 minutes and stopped. he was wet too, not a lot. he had *****.
we had clothes on.
 
Okay lets discuss this. 

  • She was wearing tight thick jeans.  Call me stupid, but I didn’t know jeans came in thicknesses.  Is it like toilet tissue?  “I had my 3 ply jeans on today!” 
  • Nearly 2 hours of dry humping?  I hope they took hydration breaks and maybe swung through a taco bell drive through!  Geeze!
  • She felt it necessary to point out that he was horny.  Really?  Hmmm… go on.
  • Fastly?  They did it fastly and it felt goodly.
  • Holy shit!  A bear penis!  She said it was her and her lover, but I just assumed he was human! 

Now, I don’t know this girl.  She may end up being the next Michelle Duggar (though I highly doubt that her and Jim Bob dry hump… ever) but I do hope she ends up having to try for a while before she can procreate.
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