Surviving Christmas

Ah yes.  It is that time of year again.  Newborn photos adorned with Santa hats, new pregnancies announced via wrapped up pee sticks, and guessing games of who’s not drinking at the office Christmas party this year.  So, now is the time to prepare yourself for the awkward inquiries regarding your non-pregnant status.  Here are just a few of my favorite responses to the dreaded question….

When are you going to have a(nother) baby?!

The Honest Company: Did you know that a pregnancy starts at the first day of your period and is about 40 weeks long from that date?  By the time most women are due for their period they are already 4 weeks pregnant!  I am 4 weeks pregnant every single month!  I just wonder why no one throws me a shower…

Please Pass The Stuffing:  If you ask me that question one more time I promise you that I will stuff my my sub fertile fist into your freakishly fertile uterus in an attempt to do an at home uterine transplant.  Merry Christmas!  I hope you enjoy that coffee mug full of red and green MnMs!

Whose the Bitch Now?: I’ve considered a(nother) baby but then I see people who look all fat and saggy and I am just undecided on the whole pregnancy thing.  You don’t seem to be bothered by it though….  Hmmm…

Turn Down the Holiday Cheer: I’m sorry.  What?  I heard the first part of your question but the end got drowned by the sobbing of my infertility support group.

Beat ’em to the Punch:  I’d like to propose a toast!  Last year at this time I was bombarded with questions about when we were going to have a(nother) baby.  This year, on this cold December evening, I’d like to share with all of our family and friends who were able to gather here tonight, the rest will find out soon via Facebook, that we have some news.  *dramatic pause with deep breath*  We saved hundreds of dollars by switching to Geico.  Haha!!  No seriously!  We are still infertile.

Table Talk:  Okay… so I have this turkey that has some special medical conditions.  We pay tons of money to a farmer to treat the bird, watch it for signs of readiness to bake, and then at the farmers go ahead, we take that bird home and bake the heck out of it!  First, my husband shoves his most excellent stuffing recipe into my bird.  After propping the turkey legs at an angle, we loosely cover my turkey and let all of the juices mingle and mix in there.  We sometimes turn the bird upside down to make sure that the stuffing gets into all the right places.  Then, after a long baking period, we take the bird out of the oven while trying our best not to let any of the succulent stuffing fall out. We have been doing this for months and months!  Who’s hungry!?

Do you have any suggestions on how to answer this super fun question?


Mixing Up The Missionary Position

Everyone who has done any research on the matter of best sexual position for getting pregnant knows that the missionary position is the preferred posture for getting the sperm closest to the cervix.  It also shouldn’t come as any surprise but the missionary position is also about the most monotonous means for making a baby.  If you are ready to put a fun twist into the baby making, try one of these missionary mix-ups for real TTCers.

1. The Smiley Face– We all know how excited we get when we see a smiley face on an ovulation test, right?  Lets take that happy face into the bedroom.  While in the missionary position begin lovemaking.  As things get heated up try to maintain a big, cheesy grin for the remainder or the session.  If it helps you remember, feel free to use your hands to frame your face.
Caution: Do not begin the Smiley Face too early in the lovemaking session or you run the risk of giggles and/or the inability to complete the passionate act. 

2. The Crestfallen Coitus- Feeling like it is never going to happen for you?  Time to turn that frown into to fancy fornication!  As you start to enjoy the lovemaking, place the back of your hand on your forehead.  As you lay there think about how many times it hasn’t worked before.  As you start to whine and moan, allow it to slowly morph into enjoyable sounds.
Caution: As you let the whining and moaning escape your lips, be careful not to use the words “why me” as it has been proven that most men do not find this to be a turn on. 

3. The Sexy Sandwich– This position is really for those with an already polished missionary position.  Why just try to make a baby when you can successfully make a sandwich at the same time?  Carefully lay out the items desired on the side of your dominant hand.  Carefully stack the sandwich fix-ins so as to not leave bread crumbs or condiments on your partner’s side of the bed.  Just for fun you can try to time the placement of the top slice of bread with your orgasm.  Now, as you lay there for 20 minutes with your hips in the air, you can have yourself a tasty turkey on rye!
Caution: Do not attempt to make any “salad” sandwiches (i.e. tuna, chicken, or egg) as stirring mayo during lovemaking may decrease libido in both men and women. 

4. The Perfunctory Patriot- When trying to conceive for a long time, “quickies” tend to become a standard.  Rather than just laying there and letting him race to the finish, while in the missionary position, look deep into each other’s eyes as you speak together the Preamble to the Constitution.  Orgasm on “America.”  And Go!

5. Pivot Me Preggo– Time to get crazy?  Ready for something new and different?  Very carefully lift both participant’s pillows and very gently place them on the foot of the bed.  Place your head on the pillows and begin lovemaking.  This position will feel very similar to the missionary position you are familiar with, but this time, the view!  Totally different!  Sort of.
Caution: If you are subject to motion sickness please turn yourself extremely slowly. 

6. T-Rex Tango– This one may take a bit of practice but it is worth every minute.  Tuck your right thumb into your right arm pit and your left thumb into your left arm pit.  Proceed to make love without removing your thumbs. Use only your elbows for any sensual touching.  This is best if both parties are prehistoric.
Caution: Do not pair this with the Sexy Sandwich.

7. All You Can Eat Boffet– This one can get a little messy but doesn’t it always when you involve food with lovemaking?  Before retiring to the bedroom you need to raid the refrigerator.  Take whatever items you find particularly interesting with you and assume the regular position.  Don your favorite blindfold, and carefully place your first item on your tummy.  As your partner assumed his position, he can take guesses at what he is feeling between your steamy torsos.  Too easy?  Try two items at a time like nachos and cheese!  Maybe liver and onions!
Caution: In most cases, off limits items are hot dogs and cucumbers. 

8. The Hunny-Do-Me List– There are never enough hours in the day are there?  This is an excellent way to multi-task while spicing up your typical missionary position.  Take turns asking one another if they did an item that was on their honey-do list.  If they did have the opportunity to take care of that item, the honey responds with “Oh, yeah!” while simultaneously throwing their arms up over their head.  If the task was not completed, the response is, “No!  Not yet!” while grabbing their partners hips firmly.  It is advised to start with the easiest tasks first.

So there you have it folks!  Now get crazy and go catch that egg with your Missionary Mix-up of choice!