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Liar Liar

Most people who are dealing with infertility find endless comfort and support from the Infertility and Miscarriage support community.  We have been there.  We know the pain, the anxiety, the frustrations that encompass trying to conceive when it isn’t as simple as it appears to be for every other female creature in the world.  But… isn’t there always a but…

Please consider this a public service announcement…  There be some crazy bitchez out there. 

I don’t mean they are a little weird and freak out if any saliva touches either of the baby making parts prior to doing the deed.  I don’t even mean the people that are so addicted to pee sticks that they go through a lot of 25 tests in one cycle.  I am talking about the ladies that just make shit up.  I don’t care so much if a blogger says that she is an accountant when she is really a private school teacher.  I am also okay with fake names and even embellishing a story a little to make a simple baseline ultrasound a little more entertaining.

Where I do have a problem is when a women who was baking chicken breasts with a side of creamed corn according to facebook, tells you that they were hospitalized for a concussion after narrowly escaping a raging house fire by diving out of a 4 story building and rescuing 3 small children on their way down.  Then, when she is about to be discharged she learns that she is surprise pregnant (which is a little better than just regular pregnant because there is just so much shock and awe involved) complete with photos of pregnancy tests from someone else’s blog (the first photo on google images for test progression pics).  Then, after several weeks of “strict bed rest” which, according to facebook, involves cooking birthday dinners, celebratory drinks, and maybe a quick 5K on Sunday as part of a weight loss plan, she goes completely quiet.  The kind of quiet that is super silent.  So silent that it is screaming, “SOMEONE PLEASE ASK FOR AN UPDATE!”
It is bad news.  But it is okay.  She is already planning to rescue some adorable puppies who, with a little bit of extra puppy school, will deliver her quadruplets and serve as lactation consultants!

But seriously folks… these people are out there.  If you come across one and aren’t sure quite how to let them know that you know that they are completely full of shit, feel free to use this:
LiarLiar

Mixing Up The Missionary Position

Everyone who has done any research on the matter of best sexual position for getting pregnant knows that the missionary position is the preferred posture for getting the sperm closest to the cervix.  It also shouldn’t come as any surprise but the missionary position is also about the most monotonous means for making a baby.  If you are ready to put a fun twist into the baby making, try one of these missionary mix-ups for real TTCers.

1. The Smiley Face– We all know how excited we get when we see a smiley face on an ovulation test, right?  Lets take that happy face into the bedroom.  While in the missionary position begin lovemaking.  As things get heated up try to maintain a big, cheesy grin for the remainder or the session.  If it helps you remember, feel free to use your hands to frame your face.
Caution: Do not begin the Smiley Face too early in the lovemaking session or you run the risk of giggles and/or the inability to complete the passionate act. 

2. The Crestfallen Coitus- Feeling like it is never going to happen for you?  Time to turn that frown into to fancy fornication!  As you start to enjoy the lovemaking, place the back of your hand on your forehead.  As you lay there think about how many times it hasn’t worked before.  As you start to whine and moan, allow it to slowly morph into enjoyable sounds.
Caution: As you let the whining and moaning escape your lips, be careful not to use the words “why me” as it has been proven that most men do not find this to be a turn on. 

3. The Sexy Sandwich– This position is really for those with an already polished missionary position.  Why just try to make a baby when you can successfully make a sandwich at the same time?  Carefully lay out the items desired on the side of your dominant hand.  Carefully stack the sandwich fix-ins so as to not leave bread crumbs or condiments on your partner’s side of the bed.  Just for fun you can try to time the placement of the top slice of bread with your orgasm.  Now, as you lay there for 20 minutes with your hips in the air, you can have yourself a tasty turkey on rye!
Caution: Do not attempt to make any “salad” sandwiches (i.e. tuna, chicken, or egg) as stirring mayo during lovemaking may decrease libido in both men and women. 

4. The Perfunctory Patriot- When trying to conceive for a long time, “quickies” tend to become a standard.  Rather than just laying there and letting him race to the finish, while in the missionary position, look deep into each other’s eyes as you speak together the Preamble to the Constitution.  Orgasm on “America.”  And Go!

5. Pivot Me Preggo– Time to get crazy?  Ready for something new and different?  Very carefully lift both participant’s pillows and very gently place them on the foot of the bed.  Place your head on the pillows and begin lovemaking.  This position will feel very similar to the missionary position you are familiar with, but this time, the view!  Totally different!  Sort of.
Caution: If you are subject to motion sickness please turn yourself extremely slowly. 

6. T-Rex Tango– This one may take a bit of practice but it is worth every minute.  Tuck your right thumb into your right arm pit and your left thumb into your left arm pit.  Proceed to make love without removing your thumbs. Use only your elbows for any sensual touching.  This is best if both parties are prehistoric.
Caution: Do not pair this with the Sexy Sandwich.

7. All You Can Eat Boffet– This one can get a little messy but doesn’t it always when you involve food with lovemaking?  Before retiring to the bedroom you need to raid the refrigerator.  Take whatever items you find particularly interesting with you and assume the regular position.  Don your favorite blindfold, and carefully place your first item on your tummy.  As your partner assumed his position, he can take guesses at what he is feeling between your steamy torsos.  Too easy?  Try two items at a time like nachos and cheese!  Maybe liver and onions!
Caution: In most cases, off limits items are hot dogs and cucumbers. 

8. The Hunny-Do-Me List– There are never enough hours in the day are there?  This is an excellent way to multi-task while spicing up your typical missionary position.  Take turns asking one another if they did an item that was on their honey-do list.  If they did have the opportunity to take care of that item, the honey responds with “Oh, yeah!” while simultaneously throwing their arms up over their head.  If the task was not completed, the response is, “No!  Not yet!” while grabbing their partners hips firmly.  It is advised to start with the easiest tasks first.

So there you have it folks!  Now get crazy and go catch that egg with your Missionary Mix-up of choice!