Liar Liar

Most people who are dealing with infertility find endless comfort and support from the Infertility and Miscarriage support community.  We have been there.  We know the pain, the anxiety, the frustrations that encompass trying to conceive when it isn’t as simple as it appears to be for every other female creature in the world.  But… isn’t there always a but…

Please consider this a public service announcement…  There be some crazy bitchez out there. 

I don’t mean they are a little weird and freak out if any saliva touches either of the baby making parts prior to doing the deed.  I don’t even mean the people that are so addicted to pee sticks that they go through a lot of 25 tests in one cycle.  I am talking about the ladies that just make shit up.  I don’t care so much if a blogger says that she is an accountant when she is really a private school teacher.  I am also okay with fake names and even embellishing a story a little to make a simple baseline ultrasound a little more entertaining.

Where I do have a problem is when a women who was baking chicken breasts with a side of creamed corn according to facebook, tells you that they were hospitalized for a concussion after narrowly escaping a raging house fire by diving out of a 4 story building and rescuing 3 small children on their way down.  Then, when she is about to be discharged she learns that she is surprise pregnant (which is a little better than just regular pregnant because there is just so much shock and awe involved) complete with photos of pregnancy tests from someone else’s blog (the first photo on google images for test progression pics).  Then, after several weeks of “strict bed rest” which, according to facebook, involves cooking birthday dinners, celebratory drinks, and maybe a quick 5K on Sunday as part of a weight loss plan, she goes completely quiet.  The kind of quiet that is super silent.  So silent that it is screaming, “SOMEONE PLEASE ASK FOR AN UPDATE!”
It is bad news.  But it is okay.  She is already planning to rescue some adorable puppies who, with a little bit of extra puppy school, will deliver her quadruplets and serve as lactation consultants!

But seriously folks… these people are out there.  If you come across one and aren’t sure quite how to let them know that you know that they are completely full of shit, feel free to use this:


PSA: 3D Ultrasounds are Creepy

If there is one thing I can’t stand about facebook and the baby havin’ folks, it is the 3D ultrasound pictures.  Do you have one?  Have you ever posted one?  Ever seen one?  Go find it now and then come back. 

Isn’t that the creepiest shit you’ve ever seen.  Never mind it is your own baby, your niece or nephew, or your formerly infertile BFF, that is the kind of crap that nightmares are made of!  Then, as if flashing that crap in your newsfeed isn’t bad enough, then people go and make those panic provoking little pics their profile picture. 

If I had more followers I would totally start a movement to rid facebook of those squished up womb-dwelling 3D trolls.  This is what I would propose… Everytime someone posts a 3D ultrasound photo as their profile picture, we would post our own “3D ultrasound profile pictures.”  Leave yours up until the offender changes their profile picture back to something tolerable.

Here is mine:

You can’t tell me that this wouldn’t send a pretty clear message to cease and desist. Am I right?

Okay… want to make your own?  This is what I did:

I took a piece of glass (or hard plastic would work) and squished my face onto it to simulate the jacked up baby mugs pushed against the womb. I snapped one freakish looking selfie.  I uploaded it to my fave photo editor picmonkey and cropped, made it B&W, added some grittiness, made the edges nice and dark, and giggled and cringed the whole time because, seriously, I’m no supermodel but that shit is jacked-up and scary as hell. 

Who’s with me?!?!

If you make a 3D ultrasound profile picture of yourself, please, please, please share it with me via email (with permission to share it or not), post a link to it (with a link back to this post please), or just tell me that you love 3D ulrtasound pictures so much that you pin them to teddybears and cuddle them at night(<—weirdo). 

9 Effective Exit Strategies for Pregnancy Announcements

It is never easy to prepare for a pregnancy announcement even when you are highly suspicious that it is coming.  It is even harder when you are completely blindsided by the friend that was “totally done” with having babies, an unwed cousin, or a workplace nemesis.  This article will help help you escape from that awful situation so that you can cry in solitude.

First, identify your safe cry place.  Your vehicle is usually a good idea but if that is not a possibility, a bathroom stall is okay if you can wail silently.  Other options might include a psychiatric ward of a hospital, a funeral service, or a feminine product aisle of your neighborhood Walmart.

Then, make a list of trigger words/phrases so that you can react swiftly.  These phrases may include but are not limited to:

I have been dying to tell you…
I have some big news…
I was going to wait until I was further…
You know how I haven’t been feeling well? …

Then if you hear the word(s) pregnancy, baby, due date, surprise, motherhood, or maternity, act fast and implement one of the following methods.

The Arachnid:   Immediately remove your shoe and while running out of the room, scream, “I’m going to get you you 8 legged son of a bitch!”  Retreat to identified safe place.

The Psycho:  Whisper “Can you see them?  Tell them I am not here.  I have to go.  Shhhhhh!  Macadamia nuts.”  Walk quickly to your safe place.

The Hollywood:  In your best Schwarzenegger-ese, say, “I’ll be back.”  Retreat to identified safe place.

The Triathlete:   Drop to the floor and do 3 girly push-ups, flip to your back and do 3 sit ups, then jump up emphatically and sprint out of the room.  Retreat to identified safe place.

call_meThe Interruption: Tell them to hold that thought and while slowly making your exit, answer your phone and say, “Wait!  What?!  I have how many days?  But Doctor!?”  Begin exiting the room during the conversation.  Retreat to identified safe place.  Preferred phone is the finger phone.

The Canine: Throw something as far as you can and exclaim, “Ooooh! I love playing fetch!” Then run after said item, but continue to your safe place.

The Oscar:  Look directly into their eyes and slowly and dramatically begin singing, “My bologna has a first name.  It’s O-S-C-A-R.  My bologna has a second name it’s M-A-Y-E-R.  I love to eat it every day, and if you ask me why I’ll saaaaaaaay, because Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!”  Then tip your hat (real or imaginary -likely imaginary because who wears hats anymore?) and exit using jazz hands.  Retreat to identified safe place.

The Crapper: Simply say, “I can’t believe this!  I just shit my pants.”  Farting upon exit is optional. Retreat to identified safe place.  Ideal if your safe place is a bathroom.

While all of these methods are guaranteed to be effective, there is a small risk of short term disability for psychiatric intervention.  If you were short on sick days for infertility treatments this could work to an additional advantage.  If the pregnant person returns for a second attempt at the announcement, I recommend the fingers in ears accompanied by repeating the phrase, “I can’t hear you,” approach ironically also known as The Baby.

Good luck out there ladies!  If you use any of these exit strategies, I would love to hear your experiences and reviews.