Mixing Up The Missionary Position

Everyone who has done any research on the matter of best sexual position for getting pregnant knows that the missionary position is the preferred posture for getting the sperm closest to the cervix.  It also shouldn’t come as any surprise but the missionary position is also about the most monotonous means for making a baby.  If you are ready to put a fun twist into the baby making, try one of these missionary mix-ups for real TTCers.

1. The Smiley Face– We all know how excited we get when we see a smiley face on an ovulation test, right?  Lets take that happy face into the bedroom.  While in the missionary position begin lovemaking.  As things get heated up try to maintain a big, cheesy grin for the remainder or the session.  If it helps you remember, feel free to use your hands to frame your face.
Caution: Do not begin the Smiley Face too early in the lovemaking session or you run the risk of giggles and/or the inability to complete the passionate act. 

2. The Crestfallen Coitus- Feeling like it is never going to happen for you?  Time to turn that frown into to fancy fornication!  As you start to enjoy the lovemaking, place the back of your hand on your forehead.  As you lay there think about how many times it hasn’t worked before.  As you start to whine and moan, allow it to slowly morph into enjoyable sounds.
Caution: As you let the whining and moaning escape your lips, be careful not to use the words “why me” as it has been proven that most men do not find this to be a turn on. 

3. The Sexy Sandwich– This position is really for those with an already polished missionary position.  Why just try to make a baby when you can successfully make a sandwich at the same time?  Carefully lay out the items desired on the side of your dominant hand.  Carefully stack the sandwich fix-ins so as to not leave bread crumbs or condiments on your partner’s side of the bed.  Just for fun you can try to time the placement of the top slice of bread with your orgasm.  Now, as you lay there for 20 minutes with your hips in the air, you can have yourself a tasty turkey on rye!
Caution: Do not attempt to make any “salad” sandwiches (i.e. tuna, chicken, or egg) as stirring mayo during lovemaking may decrease libido in both men and women. 

4. The Perfunctory Patriot- When trying to conceive for a long time, “quickies” tend to become a standard.  Rather than just laying there and letting him race to the finish, while in the missionary position, look deep into each other’s eyes as you speak together the Preamble to the Constitution.  Orgasm on “America.”  And Go!

5. Pivot Me Preggo– Time to get crazy?  Ready for something new and different?  Very carefully lift both participant’s pillows and very gently place them on the foot of the bed.  Place your head on the pillows and begin lovemaking.  This position will feel very similar to the missionary position you are familiar with, but this time, the view!  Totally different!  Sort of.
Caution: If you are subject to motion sickness please turn yourself extremely slowly. 

6. T-Rex Tango– This one may take a bit of practice but it is worth every minute.  Tuck your right thumb into your right arm pit and your left thumb into your left arm pit.  Proceed to make love without removing your thumbs. Use only your elbows for any sensual touching.  This is best if both parties are prehistoric.
Caution: Do not pair this with the Sexy Sandwich.

7. All You Can Eat Boffet– This one can get a little messy but doesn’t it always when you involve food with lovemaking?  Before retiring to the bedroom you need to raid the refrigerator.  Take whatever items you find particularly interesting with you and assume the regular position.  Don your favorite blindfold, and carefully place your first item on your tummy.  As your partner assumed his position, he can take guesses at what he is feeling between your steamy torsos.  Too easy?  Try two items at a time like nachos and cheese!  Maybe liver and onions!
Caution: In most cases, off limits items are hot dogs and cucumbers. 

8. The Hunny-Do-Me List– There are never enough hours in the day are there?  This is an excellent way to multi-task while spicing up your typical missionary position.  Take turns asking one another if they did an item that was on their honey-do list.  If they did have the opportunity to take care of that item, the honey responds with “Oh, yeah!” while simultaneously throwing their arms up over their head.  If the task was not completed, the response is, “No!  Not yet!” while grabbing their partners hips firmly.  It is advised to start with the easiest tasks first.

So there you have it folks!  Now get crazy and go catch that egg with your Missionary Mix-up of choice!

Please Be Infertile: Part One

Do you remember the days when you took every precaution to ensure that you didn’t become pregnant?  You probably, though perfectly educated about how babies were made, wouldn’t dream of standing downwind from a guy who may have ejaculated in the last 3 hours because, though they never flew into anyone else’s vagina, they might just fly into yours and get you pregnant.  If we dared engage in intercourse, it was only done with a minimum of 2 levels of birth control.  Hormonal birth control pills alone was like playing Russian Roulette with parenthood in the the chamber.  If only we knew how hard it was actually going to be to get pregnant.

AM I PREGNANT????? PLEASE ANSWER MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?

am 17. i dryhumped today with my lover. with clothes on. i was wearing tight thick jeans and he was wearing basketball shorts. we did it for like an hour and 45 minutes. both virgins. he was horny.we dryhumped really fastly and we had a good time. he wasn’t wearing underwear, but had shorts on. then he started to finger me like outside of my underwear for like 1 minute. i stopped him. then at last, he unzipped my pants little bit and then he put is bear penis on top of my underwear. he didn’t put it inside because i had my panties and m jeans was little lower, not all the way up to. we kinda rubbed for like 2 minutes and stopped. he was wet too, not a lot. he had *****.
we had clothes on.
 
Okay lets discuss this. 

  • She was wearing tight thick jeans.  Call me stupid, but I didn’t know jeans came in thicknesses.  Is it like toilet tissue?  “I had my 3 ply jeans on today!” 
  • Nearly 2 hours of dry humping?  I hope they took hydration breaks and maybe swung through a taco bell drive through!  Geeze!
  • She felt it necessary to point out that he was horny.  Really?  Hmmm… go on.
  • Fastly?  They did it fastly and it felt goodly.
  • Holy shit!  A bear penis!  She said it was her and her lover, but I just assumed he was human! 

Now, I don’t know this girl.  She may end up being the next Michelle Duggar (though I highly doubt that her and Jim Bob dry hump… ever) but I do hope she ends up having to try for a while before she can procreate.
 Image

The Pee Stick-Up

Wooster, OH- A local drug store was robbed of over 300 dollars worth of home pregnancy tests.  Two women came running into the store yelling unintelligible words and letters, witnesses shared.  They absconded with most all of the available home pregnancy tests in the family planning aisle just after making a quick dash for dixie cups.

The typical morning crowd of shoppers picking up their blood pressure medicines and anti-inflammatory prescriptions were alarmed when these women, appearing to be in their thirties, upset their normal routine.  Irene, an elderly woman picking up her monthly supply of Miralax, joked that she isn’t going to need her dose today.  They young ladies were aggressively tossing box upon box of pregnancy test into a stylish 31 bag.  One witness shared that he couldn’t make most of what they were saying but that he was sure he heard the one woman say something about hurrying because they would miss the S. M. U.   Authorities are investigating what S. M. U. might be, but they suspect it could be a form of transportation.

Detectives were examining the crime scene most of the morning and were surprised to discover that while the thieves took enough pregnancy tests to test daily for several months, they left a few brands completely untouched.  Authorities cannot understand why the remaining tests were left, but another onlooker reported hearing the women complaining about the blue dye and some rap star that goes by the name of E. Vap.

Upon exiting the store security cameras were able to catch a shot of one of the women.  If you have any information that can help police identify these clearly deranged criminals, please comment below and they will be in touch.

The Lie about TMI

TMI

If we have seen it once, we have seen it a million times.  “There is no such thing as TMI when it comes to TTC!”  I hate to break it to you folks, but that is a big fat lie.  I have read countless posts on message boards where it is prefaced with the “TMI ahead” warning or the “sorry about the TMI” afterthought which, as a side note, does anyone ever stop reading at a TMI warning?  If anything, it is like we read faster to find out what kind of gross nonsense they are about to share.  But I digress…  There absolutely does exist a threshold of information that once met, is “Too Much.”  So let’s spend a few minutes discussing where that invisible, yet very real line is.

The world of trying to conceive (TTC) is full of discussions on bodily fluids, intercourse, and blood.  These are not exactly topics that one would bring up in mixed company.  Let’s be honest, if we were in the same room with someone, even if they were familiar with infertility and all of the ins and out of hard core TTC, we wouldn’t be like, “This morning, when I wiped, I had gobs and gobs of fertile cervical mucus!”  But, if our exchange is happening online with people that are just like us only with a different vagina, uterus, and hopefully husband, all deals are off.  It is slimy fluid, freaky sex, and blood clots everywhere.

Time to get more specific.  Let me introduce to you a new category of sharing.  It is called Relevant but Gross Information (RGI).

Some examples of RGI include:
Earlier today I had a BM and then when I wiped there was a spot of blood.  Maybe implantation or related to straining?

I thought my cervical fluid had dried up but then today, at what I think is 3 dpo, I had a bunch of mucus that looked fertile.  Did I not ovulate yet?

My husband and I had sex every day for three days but I am kind of sore and would prefer a night off.  I got a positive OPK yesterday.  Do you think our chances are still good for a BFP?

The next level of information sharing is called ERGI (Excessive but Relevant Gross Information).  This is the info that includes details that might be thought to be relevant, but really aren’t.  In an effort to keep this clear cut, I will use the same examples from above, only this time adding in the excessive unneeded information.

Some examples of ERGI include:
Earlier today I had a hard bowel movement and then when I wiped there was a spot of blood along with some poop particles. The blood was deep red and the poop was oddly darker than my usual.  Maybe implantation or related to straining?

I thought my cervical fluid had dried up because I had the crusty stuff in my panties, but then today, at what I think is 3 dpo, I had a bunch of mucus. I rubbed it between my fingers and sniffed it.  It had a bit of an odor to it so maybe it was left over semen?  Did I not ovulate yet?

My husband and I had sex every day for three days (missionary position twice and then a bit more creative the most recent time). I got a positive OPK yesterday but I feel like my cervix is bruised from so much action and really need a break. I hate that we aren’t going to DTD one more time. Do you think our chances are still good for a BFP?

The next level, despite being told it doesn’t exist, is very very real.  TMI (Too Much Information) needs to be avoided.  Here again are the same examples, but this time crossing the line into TMI.

Some examples of TMI include:
Earlier today I had a rock hard bowel movement the width of an arm of an 8 year old boy.  When I wiped, mixed in with the poop there was a blob of blood.  I tried to wipe again with clearly defined boundaries of the vagina and the sphincter to figure out where it came from, but there was no more blood on the paper. I then pushed out a little more poop in an effort to recreate the bleeding, but all that would come out was foul smelling gas.  The blood was deep red and the poop was oddly darker than my usual.  Maybe implantation or related to straining?  Also, are farts that are really smelly (like poop mixed with car exhaust) a pregnancy symptom?

I thought my cervical fluid had dried up because I had the crusty stuff in my panties, but then today, at what I think is 3 dpo, I found a tablespoon or more of  mucus that so closely resembled egg whites that I cracked an egg and felt them both side by side.  I actually think that my CM felt more like egg white than the egg white did.  It had a bit of an odor and my husbands semen smells a little like hard boiled eggs so maybe it was left over semen?  Did I not ovulate yet?

My husband and I had sex daily for 3 days.  The first day I was all about him enjoying it so there was some oral foreplay before we used missionary position.  The second day, was also missionary position but I had to get up immediately afterward and the semen leaked down my legs as soon as I stood up.  I barely made it to the bathroom before it hit my ankles!  Man does he have a lot of fluid!  Ha! Ha! The third day he insisted on having sex in the shower and I know water isn’t good for the swimmers so I made him turn off the water for entry.  Today, I’m in so much pain from the vigorous BDing that I think my vag is swollen and inflamed. I got a positive OPK yesterday. I hate that we aren’t going to be able to DTD one more time. Do you think our chances are still good for a BFP?

 Now, there is yet another category but it is not for the faint of heart.  It is what I like to call the Way Too F*cking Much Info, You Sick Son of a Bitch (WTFMIYSSOB)

Please be forewarned that the examples below are examples of WTFMIYSSOB:
Earlier today I had a rock hard bowel movement the width of the arm of an 8 year old boy.  I grunted and groaned for at least 35 minutes to pass it and when it hit the water it splashed down causing toilet water to drench my ass.  I wiped myself clean and noticed a bit of blood on the toilet paper but I am not sure where it came from.  Maybe implantation or related to straining?  Here is a photo of the toilet paper if that helps. (Photo not shown as your imagination is sufficient in illustrating the point.)

I thought my cervical fluid had dried up because I had the crusty stuff in my panties, but I am just getting over a horrible yeast infection that cause so much awful smelling crusty discharge that my underwear smelled like 7 day old tuna fish in a high school kid’s gym locker.  Today, at what I think is 3 dpo, I had so much egg white mucus that I almost baked a cake with it.  My husband it totally into that.  If you ever want a recipe LMK.  But anyway, did I not ovulate yet?

My husband and I BDed a lot the last 3 days.  At first, I wasn’t really in the mood, but by the end of our three days I was like, “Come on, my bucking bronco!  Give me More!”  But then he did give me more and now I am in pain.   It isn’t so bad that I couldn’t tolerate one more last ditch effort on the baby making, but only if we use a ton of lube and he goes slow.  He is more of a “Fast and Furious” kind of guy so it is going to take a lot of reminders.  We have a code word and I might have to use it tonight.  My OPK was positive yesterday.  Do you think our chances are still good for a BFP?

So the next time someone says, “There is no such thing as TMI when it comes to TTC,” please share this post with them. It is your duty as a TTCer to not let this lie live on.

 

TMI is real!